Pretty [awful] in pink

I’ve already been highly critical of the ensembles shown at men’s fashion week, but I have one more look I MUST share with you. It’s unbelievably WRONG.

I present to you the pink preppy gone sleazemeister. A psychotic combo consisting of a patterned, sheer (I can see your man nipples) shirt; pink (I’m layering to keep my junk cozy) leggings under pleated baggy shorts; and crazy-ass, girly-looking hosiery/sock thingys with matching pink mary jane style buckle shoes.

Men in black—hot. Men in this wacky pink get-up—tragic. I’m sorry, but not even Will Smith can make this look good.

I’m not opposed to men wearing pink. It can be sexy. But it has to be done with way more dignity and less PUA gone wrong.

The suit below is a much better way to go. Undoubtedly it’s not for the shy guy; but there are trendsetter men out there who can carry it off (no posers please). It’s sort of a pink panther look for the 21st century. Me-ow!

So, I'm an idiot

News headlines can be deceiving, and it’s only made worse by reader cluelessness. In this particular case the reader was me. Oy.

This morning I perused articles on the website of the local paper, aka the most popular bird or small rodent cage liner. I was shocked by the following headline:

Gay breaks U.S. 100-meter dash record

My first thought was—are they trying to “out” this runner?

Then I got all rainbow defense league--Why can’t they just treat him like any other human being? Like it’s some kind of miracle feat that a gay runner set a new record? Do people ludicrously think gay runners are slow, limp-wristed, sissy-pants?

I was huffy. So I read the article with a critical eye. Apparently I’ve missed out on a lot of interesting Olympic trial information. Like the fact that the gay runner mentioned in the headline is: Tyson Gay.

Oh. Oops.

Brainlessness Prevention

"Most men are brainless, so you might have to try more than once to find a live one." -- Angie, age 10 


I believe I've just quoted a young female genius.

But, what I really want to know is—where the hell was prodigy Angie when I could’ve really used her advice (like in 1991)? She might have saved me the trouble of a starter marriage and redeemed several years of my life.

Roughly 99% of the time I actually forget I was ever married. Maybe it’s some kind of post-marital dissociative disorder? Oh! I wonder if I can get a prescription of Valium for that? (hang on, I’m ringing my doctor)

But, completely out of the blue the other day, my mom asked me if I’ve ever regretted getting divorced. It took me a whole nano-second to reply—Hell no! It’s not that my ex was a completely vile sub-human, we just weren’t right for each other (he wanted to control me and I wanted to dice him into tiny little bits, at least verbally if not otherwise).

As my mom and I chatted, I revealed two of the stupidest things my ex did after I left him. These bonehead moves really sealed the divorce deal for me. Men, please take note. The following are two things you NEVER want to do when your wife leaves you:

• Call her at 1:30 a.m. and wake her just to ask if she left you for another WOMAN! If your soon-to-be ex-wife decides to do some traveling with a friend who also happens to be a woman, it does NOT automatically make her a LESBIAN. She will be indignant and you will look like a HUGE jackass.
  
• Insist she meet you for dinner, then as a ploy to stop her from filing the "D" papers, tell her she's making you an adulterer by divorcing you (because the Bible says so). The Bible also says a day of judgment will come, but you’ll never see it because she WILL go all apocalyptic on your ass.

It takes a very desperate (and possibly insane) person to believe these tactics will win a spouse back. And trust me, women can smell a man’s desperation miles away (over the phone and thru the internet, we’re that good). It’s a scent, like a fart trapped under the covers, that a woman will do everything she can to escape and distance herself from. You don’t stand a chance.

Guys, if you want to keep your wife, girlfriend or life-like blow-up doll, start a more rational and romantic campaign BEFORE she walks out the door and calls you a brainless wonder.* It’s a much better bet.

*Disclaimer—I am not a relationship expert. You get what you pay for here. Not liable for relationships that crash and burn. Views may be tainted by bitterness. Seek medical assistance if you have brainlessness lasting more than four hours.

Photo by joestump Some rights reserved.
Quote from http://www.rinkworks.com/said/kidlove.shtml

Let men dress like MEN!

The feminization of men is occurring right now, all over the world. And I can’t stand idly by and watch it happen. No matter how much of my soul belongs to fashion, I must protest!

Seriously, can’t you hear it? Formerly masculine men shrieking, “Does this outfit make me look fat?” I can, but maybe that’s because I reviewed the latest looks from men’s fashion week. It was a parade of concepts borrowed from women’s fashions current and past! In a word, HORRENDOUS!

Surely I can’t be the only hetero woman who still likes her men, you know—MANLY. A stylish, clean shaven, well-kept guy is awesome; I just don’t want him to a) have longer hair than I do, b) be skinnier than I am, and c) look more feminine in his clothes than I do. That shouldn’t be too much to ask.

However, there is evidence from the men’s fashion industry that some of the big name designers are “softening” and “sexing-up” their new lines into blatant androgyny. In this case, seeing really is believing, so here goes a freak show of emasculating styles. . .

This first look is already in stores and should have been the first warning sign of what would be forthcoming from designers. Behold, the slutty man shirt—the super v-neck. Oh, Yeah, You're. Sexy.

No straight male, except maybe a six year-old boy, should ever, EVER wear a shorts suit. The look is cute on women, but simply RETARDED on a grown hetero man! It's kinda like the mullet of suits--all business on the top and a party on the bottom (except I don't want to party in his short pants).

And men, I do NOT want to see you wearing three inch wedge HEELS. I’m sorry but first of all, heels are my domain, BACK OFF; second, men who overcompensate for their height are not sexy. I think I hear Tom Cruise ordering several pair of these right now. I rest my case.

Are men now supposed to live the Flashdance dream? What exactly is this knit top—a stretched out boat neck or scoop neck cropped sweater? I think he stole it from his sister, back in the 80s.

Oh, now you’ve really got me rankled. I’m sorry, but this so called swimsuit is just way too gay porn star for me. No offense to the gays, some of you can probably rock a look like this, but if I see a straight man wearing this, I’m running the other way (after I go apeshit with laughter).

Okay, a super v-neck, short sleeve, peplum (sort of) jacket for men? NO, not working! Need I say more? Seriously?

And just to prove that I’m not all into drooling cavemen and total rednecks, I’ve included this pic from a runway show featuring real-live gypsies. This is the extreme opposite end of the style(?) spectrum. But I’m NOT a fan of this look—boxers good, guy scary.

We just need a happy medium in fashion and in men. Thus, the fantasy of the perfect man continues and apparently so does the dream of the perfect man in the perfect clothing. See why I opted for a cat instead?

Bottom of the bottle

I think I’ve discovered a level lower than drinking boxed wine—drinking a fruity froo-froo wine in a Styrofoam cup. There’s no connoisseur dignity in Styrofoam. When that line is crossed it becomes low-brow drinking for sport, not for pleasure. I can vouch for this.

Recently I experienced this decent into shameless guzzling of vino. No, it wasn’t at a picnic or an outdoor party where Styrofoam might be a necessity. It was just me, alone in my apartment. And it wasn’t due to dire safety concerns, it was because of LAZINESS. Pure and simple.

I have exactly one wine glass accessible with my other drinking glasses in the kitchen cupboards. And of course at the time, it was in the sink, dirty. I couldn’t possibly be bothered to WASH the glass. No, I turned immediately to the easiest solution, the one that wouldn’t require washing time—my disposable friend, the Styrofoam cup. I didn’t even show the lovely little fruit wine the courtesy of using a glass-glass (I am callous).

But, don’t for a second feel sorry for the poor jobless girl stranded in Iowa who has only one wine glass. I actually own a gorgeous matching set of (12 wine and 12 water) cut crystal stemware. Who knew, right? (I’m full of surprises—and some are actually better than this)

The problem is they’re all still carefully packed away; neatly wrapped in white tissue, safely nestled in the store’s silver boxes, sitting in even bigger packing boxes from my move two years ago. And, at this point in time, the moving boxes are in the back of my storage closet, at the bottom of a pile of ridiculous stuff that also includes a full set of china my mother gave me. Go figure!

Since I entertain—um, never--I’ve had no motivation whatsoever to unearth either the crystal or the china. I occasionally picture the crystal in my mind and appreciate its sparkling beauty. It’s Atlantis crystal, an upper-end line of hand-blown lead crystal. Not heavy like Waterford and a bit more contemporary that most Miller Rogaska crystal stemware. Also, it’s a much higher quality crystal than Lenox and Mikasa. Are you shocked I know about tableware? Yeah, I would be too.

The secret to it is, I sold table and giftware for the bridal market for a while when I lived in the burbs outside Milwaukee. All that specialized knowledge has just been filed away in my tiny brain for the last, oh. . . fifteen years! Holy fuckballs that was two lifetimes ago. (In dog years I’d be dead!)

Anyway, I acquired a taste for high-quality tableware—Wedgewood china, Christofle silver, and Waterford crystal. (I’ve always wanted what I couldn’t afford) The irony however is rich—I don’t cook, I don’t entertain, I don’t have any justifiable need for 12 of anything! Nonetheless, when I quit my job at the store I made sure I had something to show for my time there, thus the awesome set of crystal (I’m ashamed to admit it, but I think the majority of the glasses even have the little Atlantis logo sticker still stuck on the base).

Now that I’ve shared this tidbit, it occurs to me I’ve sunk to a frightening new low by using Styrofoam for my wine consumption. Fortunately, I think it’s the proverbial bottom of the bottle (really, can it get any lower?) and I’m feeling inspired to make a change--I’m going to upgrade from Styrofoam to glass!

I hear Target has some inexpensive wine glasses. (What? Like I’m cured of laziness? That’d be a “no”)



Photo by kwanie. Some rights reserved.

Public Service Internet Announcement

Please. PLEASE. PLEASE! Everyone on the internet, I’m begging you--no matter how cool you think it is to have a black background with white text on your website or blog DON'T DO IT!

Thanks to my infinite curiosity regarding a Digg shout I received, I visited Kanye West’s blog and TRIED to read his rant about people who have publicized and criticized the Bonnaroo debacle. Now, thanks to Kanye and his motherfucking humongous run-on sentence/paragraph/page of white text on a solid black background, I’M FUCKING BLIND!! ARGHHHHH!

Let this be a warning—design crimes can harm lives, valuable internet reader lives. Stop the visual violence now.

Marriage devolving

Getting hitched has gone to the dogs! In case you haven’t heard, WE TV is featuring Puppy Weddings during June.

In lolcat land animal marriages are given unfortunate, but realistic odds.

In the human world we now actually celebrate divorces. There’s even cake!